The Talisbaby

Dear Charlton Athletic

So you don't sell Charlton Babygros anymore. Are you under the impression we no longer reproduce now we're in the Third Division? Surely, along with strong cider, that's all we have left.

Yours, Miffed of South London

---

Dear Muffed of South Lindon

We currently stock newborn football kits.

---

Dear Charlton Athletic

How very perspicacious! So I can entomb my precious baby in something both useless and polyester for £27.99?

Do you sell strong cider?

---

Dear MUffed

Just in stock! My First Soft Football with its very own mascot inside.

---

Dear Charlton Athletic

You've had the cider, haven't you?

How about some Charlton nappies? Branching out into incontinence pads for the fan who can’t wait till half time?

You can have that.

**************************

I have received some stick from concerned friends who point out that by saddling Kit with support of Charlton, I am resigning him to a life of disappointment.

But what choice do I have? The form for registering birth and football team support has to be completed within 6 weeks of his arrival or he automatically becomes known as 'Dave' and is randomly assigned one of the Sky 4: Manchester United, Chelsea, The Woolwich Club or Liverpool.

Scally was obviously angling to recruit another Liverpool fan. "He's from South London, he can't support Liverpool." I told him. "If I wanted him to be a glory-hunting muppet, I'd've bought him a Man United top," which made him wince and squirm.

"Alright, but not Charlton, surely," he pleaded, from his role as the Oddfather.

So who? Chelsea are the current champions but the only good thing about them is that you don't need to explain why you wouldn't want your child supporting them.

And due to family history, support of The Woolwich Club is impossible. They left South London, whereas I'm very fond of it.

The registrar informed me that during the first six weeks of Kit's life The Woolwich Club lost 4 times, as did Chelsea. West Ham and Fulham lost 3 times, and Spurs once. As Charlton hadn't lost at all during that period, clearly Kit is a talisman, or a talisbaby.

And so, in the name of glory hunting, Kit Golightly became an Addick.

Sorry mate.  

The Names

Naming a child is a difficult process, given that they are going to have to live with it, and, in a way, be defined by it, until they are old enough to fill out their own deed poll form.

You can’t, for instance, name a child Beastslayer when he’s under 6lbs. Nor if he grows up to be a quiet, sensitive lad. Called Beastslayer.

While he was just an (utterly amazing) ultrascan image to us, we used to call him Guido, after Guy Fawkes, as the initial due date was November 5, though this horrified One I Made Earlier, who'd met one too many many Guidos while living in New Jersey. She's grateful it didn't stick.

These are the kind of names we wanted to avoid:

Zowie Bowie

Audio Science Clayton

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Moxie Crimefighter Jillette

Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee

Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp

Diva Muffin Zappa


Moon Unit Zappa

Far be it from me to criticise another parent but I’m reluctant to name my child to reflect my morning mescaline intake.

Taken by surprise by the birth of a boy, we were fortunate to have so much unsolicited advice from people who either had no children or had called theirs Bob.

So, thanks everyone for these:

Lord

Lord Death
Ozymandias, King of Kings

Andy (suggested by Andy)

Paulie (suggested by Paulie)

Wheatsheaf (suggested, via Mike, by everyone at The Wheatsheaf, where Spud and I met.)

Waggy (as the scorer of Charlton Athletic's winning goal while the baby was labouring to exit the womb)
Carl Leaburn Raison

Rhymenor Raison

Bad Moon Raison

California Raison

Bear

Slam Man

Pint

Sid

Romain Raison

Succulent Raison

Cinnamonand Raison

Charlton

Charlle

Juicy Raison

Arizona Raison (so it would appear in the phone book as Raison, Arizona. Ian, who suggested this, followed up the suggestion with “I am on fire”.)

Rumand

Herrod

Laird (so he’d be known as L. Raison)

Lazarus

Fun D Raison

Mojo Raison

Scorpio Raison

Perversely, we chose to discard these thoughtful suggestions and name the boy, Kit Raison.

Now for the middle name: Rooster or Rocket?