Accessorising with a baby brings you more attention from hot girls than money, cars or buff pecs - whatever they are.
However, the shocking truth is that those girls are actually interested in the baby. It's not a ploy to relieve you of your sperm. There's no reflected glory that makes you as irresistible as Hai-Karate. You are just transport.
Which is why I've resisted Scally's request to rent our baby so he can pick up women.
That and the terms: He's after a 'no shag, no fee' arrangement, which relies far too heavily on his ability to seal the deal. Especially when his opening gambit often includes an offer of tea and anal sex. Well, he's from the North. They like tea.
I remember the unsolicited female attention I got pushing One I Made Earlier around the supermarket in 1980s' Virginia. A New Romantic with an English accent and a baby, in a state where 'Dagnabbit' is an actual word? Even I’d find me difficult to resist.
But the baby is fairly hefty evidence of a Significant Other. And what sort of a cad would deny her existence/fake her death for a fondle?
"Oh my God! She's so cuuute!" said a Southern honey, who we shall call Sugar Lumps.
"Oh thank you. Such a shame about her poor mum."
"God, no! Don’t tell me she passed. In childbirth?" she asked.
"No, conception," which didn’t work as well as I'd hoped.
Kit also has the girls cooing at my side, only to dominate their attention, leaving me invisible and unheard. Imagine my frustration when approached by Super Boobs, after Spud nipped into the Costcutter.
"Oh, look at him! He's sooo sweet!"
"Thank you. Shame he'll never have a little brother."
"Look at his cheeks!" she squealed.
"Which is tragic given my current spermatozoan burden,"
"What a lovely smile!"
"And my amazing human sex tripod manoeuvre."
"How old is he?"
She has noticed me. "Two months," I purr. Sort of.
"Two months! Oh, he's gorgeous!"
"Yes. He looks sweet on my… buff pecs."
Spud then comes out of the shop to ask, "Is he charming the ladies again?"
"N-no, I wasn't. We were just chatting."
"Yes, he is," said Super Boobs. "He's so beautiful."
"Oh him? Yes. Charming."
On cue, he smiles and we all melt a bit.
"Aww."
"Aww."
"Aww."
