The first and only rule of middle naming is not to give kids ammunition to ridicule your child at school. On that front, we have failed as parents and could face a fine.
The only time a middle name comes up is when some smart-arsed teacher wants to make their day more interesting by reading out the full register, leading to weeks of misery for boys with middle names like Flower, Pendragon, Aloysius or Wang.
It's tempting to pre-empt that teacher by using a rude word, forcing him to read out: "Joshua Robert Howard…? Thomas Titwank Jones..?"
But when you're 12, invisibility is vital – at least in the UK where Embarrassment is an Olympic sport. Mostly, you want to be like the other kids. It's only later you realise how rubbish that is.
My middle name is John. But being ginger, skinny, spotty and speccy, it was not a victory over conspicuousness I cared to celebrate.
Spud's middle name has more letters than the alphabet but we briefly discussed names that carried family heritage, like our fathers'. You can get away with Anil if pronounced 'Aneel', but that is not going to happen with 12-year-old boys. It would be Anil Sex, Anil Probe, Anil Entry (or Fissure if they're bookish).
It does however mean Lord Of Wind, which could have been prophetic.
My Dad's name had been taken by my nephew, though both Adolf and Enoch are still available.
Dad has now accepted and welcomed Kit, having swallowed his pride over our having a child out of 'wedlock' (an appropriately 13th century word) and his being a racist fuckwit. He is still struggling with the name Kit, however and asks me every time I see him: "How do you spell it again?" Anyone would think we'd called him Balamugunthan or similar.
"K-I-T!"
"Oh. It's not English, is it?"
Jesus. "Yes, it is. Unlike our surname."
All the way to Brixton to register his name, we debated: Rooster or Rocket. Then we agreed on Golightly - a name and a philosophy in one.
Not from Truman Capote's Holly Golightly, but from a book Spud was reading while pregnant; Mr Golightly's Holiday. OK, we just liked the word.
When I told mates they were incredulous, being au fait with the first and only rule of middle naming.
"You are kidding? Is this a joke?" asked Andy, slightly cross with me. Pete was equally aghast, having suffered with the middle name Magnus for too long. Rock Bob (whose middle name is Bob, I suppose) had a similar reaction.
But when Andy told his youngest, an actual teenager, she said, "Kit Golightly! That is the coolest name ever. They are such cool parents. I wish they were my parents."
Touché, Andy Moonbeam.
