The Experts

For almost everything you do there's an expert who says it gives you cancer; another who claims it reduces the risk of heart disease; a study that reports it makes you blind and a policeman who tells me I can't do that in public.

There is also a multitude of child-rearing theories and books to guide new parents through the minefield of bringing up baby. Mostly we just want to keep baby happy and healthy, but it would be nice if we weren't blamed for their later neuroses too, like poor Mr & Mrs Larkin.

Back when One I Made Earlier was born the baby instruction manual of choice was Dr Spock's. She turned out brilliant and beautiful yet is still unable to perform the Vulcan mind meld. Consequently I've asked her to leave.

Oprah Winfrey has since propelled the What To Expect… series to the fore. Co-author Heidi Murkoff (why do I always laugh at that name?) has no medical training and early editions included some bonkers warnings on death from hiccups and oral sex (not at the same time, silly, though a study shows this can cause chafing).

None the less, Murkoff's (ha!) woman-to-woman, 'been there' tone strikes a chord and even makes me feel like a natural woman.

Secrets Of The Baby Whisperer is another one. When I say another one, I mean another book with Whisperer in the title, of which there are legion. As far as I can tell, apart from the magical incantation, "Shh", there's not a lot of whispering in it, which is a relief as surely it can only teach children to be secretive and annoying in libraries.

Before Spock, there was much more discipline in child rearing and previous generations would like to see a return to these values; values that include a good clip round the ear.

"I got the cane and it never did me any harm," is a familiar refrain. No harm apart from an indifference to violence against children, you aged loony, no.

The father of behaviourism,  John B Watson (1878–1958), advised parents to retain a degree of emotional detachment. "Never let them sit on your lap," he suggested. He also warned parents against hugging their children. 

"Shake hands with them in the morning," he recommended. He was being serious too. Look at is serious face (above). 

Unlike many of his contemporaries however, he did come out strongly against spanking. I'm right with him there, except in cases of very naughty au pairs with saucy European accents.

Unfortunately, Spud won't let me hire one now we've got a child.